Bar Life

This category contains 46 posts

Frequently Answered Questions at Keys On Main

Last Wednesday was slow at the club. There was approximately 20 people in the room watching the dueling piano show. Unfortunate. Not because we didn’t sell a lot but because the show was really good. I usually don’t watch the show. More often than not, I’m too busy to enjoy the pianos. I hear the … Continue reading

The Perfect Bar

It starts with a smell. Nothing is more important when stepping into a bar for the first time than how it smells. It should be musky, wet with just a hint of rot. There needs to be memories of perfume, bleach and dust in the air. Even bars that offer anything and everything you’d want … Continue reading

Laryngitis Commando

The end is nigh. That’s fancy English speak for the ending is coming soon but I can’t know for sure. For the last three weeks, I have been disabled in the talking department with a case of laryngitis that has had me oscillating between Kathleen Turner and Tom Waits. Part of the time, I am … Continue reading

White Girl Drunk

If asked what my favorite part of bartending is, I would answer quickly and with the utmost certainty. It isn’t the pile of cash tips in my bucket to be counted at the end of the night or the quickly sipped beer I put away while counting my earnings. It isn’t the thrill of pouring … Continue reading

Fireball is for Losers

I don’t drink from pints nor do I consume from handles. Having limitations in your liquor consumption means having standards. That is not to say I won’t take a nip off your bottle or have a monkey pull from the handle—I’m not uptight or anything like that. I just think that it is better to … Continue reading

Letter To A New Bartender

Welcome aboard! Congratulations on your new position. I’m sure that the interview process was tough and thorough but your resume and interviewing abilities made the difference in getting the job. Earning a bartending job in Utah is tough. There are not nearly enough positions for every talented candidate. With most people earning a job by … Continue reading

The Angry Toe

I saw stars. Literally a galaxy of bright lights bursted under my eyelids as the keg fell to the ground. It was a busy Wednesday night and I had to run to the back of the club to change the Blue Moon. Opening the walk-in door, a precariously stacked Coors Light keg decided to send … Continue reading

Fish with Dynamite

There are two groups of people I am constantly amazed at. The first are white people who can flawlessly perform elaborate handshakes with black guys. The intricate movements usually resulting in a finger snap and a fist bump are amazing and I wish I could pull it off every time. Hell, I’d be satisfied to … Continue reading

Governor of the Island of Misfit Toys

My name is Ben Raskin and I am the governor of the Island of Misfit Toys. That’s what I am calling Keys On Main’s VIP section—an island of misfit toys. I work East #1 at the club and my primary responsibility is to take care of the VIP section. That’s are large roped off section … Continue reading

The Thin Air

It’s not the heat that grabs you but the lack of air. The air is thin. Too thin to work in and much too thin to survive. I would have paid a Sherpa a king’s ransom to pump rejuvenating air into my lungs—to carry the weight for a moment, to ease the tension that my … Continue reading

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