Frequently Answered Questions at Keys On Main

Last Wednesday was slow at the club. There was approximately 20 people in the room watching the dueling piano show. Unfortunate. Not because we didn’t sell a lot but because the show was really good. I usually don’t watch the show. More often than not, I’m too busy to enjoy the pianos. I hear the music but I’m not listening. It’s the same complaint I get from my wife. It doesn’t help that my hearing has gone to Hell either.

A lady came to the bar and asked me a question. It wasn’t about the drinks, the show or the snacks available. Frankly, I don’t even remember what she asked. What I do remember is she started the question with the same preamble I’ve heard a gazillion times: “You probably hate being asked this…”

It’s a weird way to start a conversation. Qualifying the emotions of the respondent to a query that is typically mundane seems overly indulgent. Also, if one suspects the question is going to arise an emotion as fearsome and angry as “hate,” maybe you shouldn’t ask the question in the first place.

Anyway, I put together a list of frequently answered questions from a list of frequently asked questions. I’ve omitted the questions and only provided the answers.

• I don’t know why it’s so slow.
• I don’t know why we’re so busy.
• I didn’t write the liquor laws.
• You’re free to leave. I have to be here until closing.
• No, “Benny and the Jets” is not my song.
• Water is free but you have to be patient.
• If I poured you a double, they’d throw me into Mormon jail and use me for currency.
• My favorite drink is a shot of Wild Turkey and a Miller Lite.
• They’ve already played that song.
• No, you may not play the pianos.
• It’s called a Berg. It’s how we police fun.
• I don’t know where they’re doing karaoke tonight.
• Sorry, we don’t sell French fries.
• I don’t know where all the women are.
• My favorite song is “Fortunate Son” by CCR. I also like “Levon” and “Last Dance with Mary Jane.”
• There’s a division of labor. I’m in charge of the martinis, they’re in charge of the Billy Joel.
• You can’t sit in front of my well.
• Yes, you do have to tip on non-alcoholic drinks.
• My cheapest drink is a shot of Fireball.
• No, the Jägermeister will not be cold enough.
• I wouldn’t trust me with the TRAX schedule.
• I don’t know where the lady piano players are.
• No, we don’t get the Ute game on TV.
• Yes, we do have bathrooms.
• I don’t know why we don’t serve Dr. Pepper.
• I’d rather not charge your cell phone.
• I think she’s divorced.
• No, you can’t take your drink outside.
• The mojitos are minty.
• We keep the special beer taps in the women’s bathroom.
• 3.2% beer is still beer.
• Yes, I’m sure the bars/bartenders back in your hometown are better.
• Please don’t make me read a drink recipe on your cell phone.
• I know how to make a lot of green drinks. I just don’t know the one you’re talking about.
• Let me get the sommelier.
• It’s a dueling piano bar, not a farmer’s market.
• Sorry, it’s my first night.

Ben Raskin is a bartender at, duh, Keys On Main. Follow him on Twitter @BennyRaskin. He’s actually a really nice guy and likes answering the same questions a thousand time.