You Best Be Voting Tomorrow

Here’s a bitter pill to swallow.

Donald Trump was just announced President-elect of the United States of America.

I was dumbfounded. In fairness, I was violently drunk. Watching the election results, I successful plowed through beers, bourbon and red wine. I was a mess. Just like the Democrats. How in the world is Virginia in play? Tim Kaine is the senator from the Commonwealth. How can Hillary be dragging in Florida? Is he really going to win Pennsylvania? Jesus Christ, was Mike Pence a misplaced Big Mac in the Commander in Chief’s arteries from the Oval Office.

The day after the 2016 election was like a dream. Honestly, it was a collective hangover. I was shocked that I knew so many people blindsided by Trump’s electoral victory. If everybody I know was shocked, who exactly was celebrating?

I wasn’t.

It’s not because this country hasn’t had some turkeys for president in the past—see Arthur, Harding, George W.—we’ve always elected presidents. People who look like they belong behind the desk. Students of history. Captains of industry. The election was supposed to suss out the bad guys, but for whatever reason, this campaign magnified Trump’s errors. He was a professional wrestler with a combover, a liar with a megaphone, a check bouncer with an endless amount of checks and the kind of guy you wouldn’t want your daughter/sister to alone with.

But here he was, the new president of the U.S.

I wasn’t a fan of GW but at least he seemed to understand that the Presidency is a big job. Way too big for him but I honestly felt like he tried. It’s like my basketball game. I really want to be good with the pick and roll, boxing out at the blocks and drain 3’s, but I can’t because I suck on the court. GW sucked but I think he wanted to be good. Kinda like a naughty dog looking for approval from the biscuit-bearing master.

Trump doesn’t give a good God damn.

You have to be resilient to criticism if you’re going to act like a jackoff. And he’s been a complete jackoff the moment he threw his hat in the ring.

  • Charlottesville: It’s really easy to denounce white supremacists. Here, I’ll show you how. Just look into the camera and say, “Nazis are bad people.” There. Piece of cake. My grandfather would have decked me if I defended the Nazis. He’d say something about fighting the Krauts and all of the good men that died in Europe. Real heroes have long memories.
  • Mexico: Have you ever been to Mexico? It’s awesome and the Mexicans are awesome too. Sure, there are a-holes and corrupt cops there, but it’s not much different than most parts of America. Antagonizing our neighbors to the South is going to muck tequila poppers and Taco Tuesday. Things are better when you get along with your neighbors. Calling them racists and thugs isn’t what I’d call a long-term strategy. This is just Trump talking to his racist and thuggish base.
  • I remember the first cool Russian, it was Captain Marko Ramius in The Hunt for Red October. Before that, the Ruskies were going to nuke us back to the stone age, not if we didn’t get them first. I’ve seen Red Dawn. I know their playbook. Trump should be telling those vodka drunk oligarchs to kick rocks. But he can’t because he’s afraid of Putin. Can you imagine being scared of a dude that’s only like 5-foot-6? That’s embarrassing. Ronald Reagan didn’t take any gruff from the Russians because he was smart enough to know that the best way to stop a bully is to punch him in the nose. Bullies (and most people) hate being punched in the nose. Trump’s problem is his hands are too small to make an adequate fist.
  • Mother Earth. You know what’s good about being old? You don’t have to worry about other people because you’re going to die soon. What does he care about polar icecaps melting? Or fracking National Parks? Or animals going extinct. I think it’s nuts that he’s the first president in my life that doesn’t have a dog or a cat or any other pets. I guess when you have Eric as a son, you don’t need a pet. Businesses can thrive while not destroying the environment. But it takes some work and some thinking. Both of which require some long-term thinking. But when you’re old, what do you care?
  • Not being a jackoff. How about just pretending to be a president? Calling reporters the enemy of the people is a horrific way to install confidence in the American public. Are all reporters good? No, but just like me trying to bring the ball up court, they are trying. Trump is what happens when you have a lot of power and don’t like reading. You act like a jackoff because you don’t know the effects of history. Reading stuff is a good way not to be a jackoff.

Anyway, I remember being hungover the day after the election and going to a meeting at work. Everybody was in a funk and sad because a comically bad person became President of the United States. I’ll never forget that taste in my mouth—mostly Kentucky bourbon and box wine—and it tasted horrible.

The best mouthwash to Trump being president is voting. I know it’s not a general election but wouldn’t it be great if Trump didn’t get what he wanted? I’d like him to wake up on November 7 and say, “What the hell happened?”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s