An Open Letter to Barack Obama

Dear Mr. President:

First off, I’m a really big fan.

Voted for you twice. Hell, I hosted fundraisers for you at my bar. And I’d do it again. You made politics cool and reminded us involvement at the local, state and federal level is important. Moreover, you reminded us that we can be great without beating on our chest. America was always first, but other places weren’t left in the wake.

A rising tide raises all boats. And during your time in office, I knew you’d work your tail off to make this country even better.

So, whatcha been up to?

I figure after eight years of running the free world, you probably needed some R&R. Wasn’t easy rescuing the country from the Great Recession, signing the Affordable Care Act, killing bin Laden, saving the U.S. auto industry, normalizing relationships with Cuba, the Iran nuclear deal, getting Sonia Sotomayor on the big bench and starring in a “Between Two Ferns” episode.

Yes sir, you had your hands full. Between splitting time between work and family (we also miss your ladies), you were busy as a beaver. But you had some good people around you, and in the case of Joe Biden, some really good people at your side. Sure, there were some flubs and I’m sure you’d own up to any mistakes. But the cards were stacked against you. There were a bunch of rapscallions in the Congress who didn’t make anything easy for you. And yes, I’m talking about Mitch.

But you persevered and did it with a level of class that matched the office. You were tough when you needed to be and malleable when the situation called for it. It’s almost like you knew a thing or two about the art of making a deal.

In the end, I’d say you did a heck of a lot more good than evil. And speaking of good, it took a heap of courage to sign the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals or DACA into law.

We’ll talk about that in a moment.

Now, we both know the current guy sitting behind your old desk hates your guts. Almost as much as he hates brown people walking through the desert to come seek asylum here in the United States. At best, he’s on constant tilt because he doesn’t believe in exercise and loves eating Fish-O-Fishes. At his worse, he’s a racist, knuckle-dragging Neanderthal who lives only to line his pockets and won’t rest until his every whim is satisfied immediately. He lacks decorum. He purposely ignorant. He lies with such frequency that even when he’s being truthful, you’d never know.

This fellow doesn’t seem to remember that there isn’t “a liberal America and a conservative America—there is the United States of America.” He’s the kind of guy that doesn’t shake hands with the other team whether you win or not. The report card of this “gentleman” is he’s a self-sufficient windbag and reckless behavior has zero consequences.

In a word, Donald Trump is a horse’s ass.

That’s the only explanation for his behavior. Because if it’s not a serious case of narcissism driving his agenda then this country has some pretty big problems coming down the pipeline.

Should we be friends with the North Koreans? Absolutely, but not kowtow to them until they act like grownups. Is Russia getting a little too much preferential treatment in comparison to, I don’t know, Canada and the European Union? Looks like it and it’s disturbing. Are we starting a trade war with China? Without a doubt. I guess he doesn’t have to worry about how much an iPhone costs or where we’re going to be selling our goods.

Oh, should we be splitting up families and storing kids into kennels like running away dogs while their parents are being charged with felonies for seeking political asylum? Come on, Mr. Obama, you know the answer.

I get you don’t want to crap on how the new guy is running the office you just left, but good manners in the Oval Office left the moment when you got on Marine One. I think we both agree you punch up and only you can the right hook to take down Trump.

He’s called you some really bad names and has gone out of his way to try and erase your legacy. Why don’t you remind him why you were the best God damn president in my lifetime and the standard bearer for what decency looks like at the highest level?

He’s still picking on Hillary Clinton and all she did was lose the election. He doesn’t care about the ACA. And he’s locking up children and babies in jail. This week, he pulled the U.S. out of the United Nations Human Rights Council. Great timing when you want to put children in cages.

History is going to be brutal on Trump. Help write it and say something.

Tell everybody why Trump’s behavior is an affront to every American. Lay it out in that silky, smooth Barack Obama cool that educates, inspires and motivates. There’s a lot of people out there freaked out by what’s happening and we’d sure like to hear from you.

You’re a baseball fan. You’re our veteran reliever warming up in the bullpen. Well, #44, the skipper is calling in looking for a fastball throwing stud who can get us out of this inning. America needs a tough lefty to retire the side and get us out of this mess.

Ready to toe the rubber?

We’re ready for you.

Ben Raskin bartends at Keys On Main. Follow him on Twitter @BennyRaskin. Seriously, shouldn’t the ex-Presidents be forming a Point Break super group to take out Trump?

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