I Heart Ramsay Bolton

Social media is rough on Monday mornings.

Especially if you didn’t watched Game of thrones. I catch bits and pieces of the show scrolling through Twitter. Fortunately, I don’t know many of the characters’ names or the names of the various locations, so not much is ruined.

Game of Thrones is an excellent show. Very visual, very engaging. I’ve watched every episode (minus last night) but not actively. Here are the character names I know: Jon Snow, Sam, Jamie and Ned Stark. And here are the characters I can describe: Dwarf, the Blond Lady Dragon Lady, Lil’ Badass (she killed the Ice King), 70s Guitar God, Smooth Chocolate, Wheelchair Oasis, Bald Talking Guy, Aquaman, Boat Woman, Boat Woman’s Wangless Brother, Sexy Penn & Teller, Mom Hair Cut and Mom Hair Cut’s Crummy BF, Trent. Trent is the guy who killed the second dragon with a big crossbow.

I think it’s funny there is a character named Jamie. Also, I think it’s really funny that Jamie has consensual sex with his sister. I guess things are going to be a lot different in the near future.

I know I sound like I’m making fun of Game of Thrones, but I not. Even though it’s made up, like Harry Potter and Christianity, I want to be respectful to people who enjoy the show.

My favorite character on the show was Ramsay Bolton. He’s the dude that played Mick Mars in “The Dirt” and cut off Boat Woman’s brother’s wang. And I think he ate it. He also has a lot of dogs and wasn’t really nice to the lady who married a Jonas Brother. Why was it funny in Braveheart with primae noctis but everyone is so serious when Ramsey gets married? I probably shouldn’t overthink it because like the eternal promise of life in heaven, it’s not real.

But what is real is how great it was to follow Ramsay Bolton’s adventures.

He was like a prince or a captain or king. He had a great smile and was somewhat of a wordsmith. He was really, really funny. I pulled some quotes from the internet to show his great sense of humor:

  • “My mother taught me not to throw stones at cripples. My father taught me to aim at their heads.”
  • To Sansa Stark: “You should hold onto your candles, the nights are so long now.”
  • To Lord Roose Bolton: “We’ve been flaying our enemies for a thousand years. The flayed man is on our banners!”
  • To Theon Greyjoy: “This isn’t happening to you for a reason. Well, one reason: I enjoy it! If you think this has a happy ending, you haven’t been paying attention.”
  • To Theon Greyjoy: “Reek! That’s a good name for you!”
  • To Jon Snow: “I want my bride back, send her to me, Bastard, and I will not trouble you or your wildings. Keep her from me and I will ride north and slaughter every wilding man, woman and babe living under your protection. You will watch as I skin them living, you will watch as my soldiers take turn raping your sister, you will watch as my dogs devour your wild little brother, then I will spoon your eyes from their sockets and let my dogs do the rest.”

He’s a laugh a minute. Moreover, the moment he met an early (and regrettable) demise, the wheels really fell off the Game of Thrones cart. It’s because he was a great villain. He’s the kind of villain that you can root full-throated against. He cuts off wangs, feeds wangs to dogs and scoops out eyeballs. He’s mean to people with disabilities and uses violence like Guy Fieri uses donkey sauce—liberally. Ramsay almost has a spring in his step as he went through life. When’s the last time you did a small jig just for yourself? I couldn’t help but think that Ramsay Bolton was dancing as if there was a great Warren Zevon song stuck in his head, perhaps “Ain’t That Pretty At All” or “Mohammed’s Radio.” Hell, pick any Warren Zevon song—they’re all great.

This is the problem with liberals today. When presented with an all-consuming evil person, like Ramsay Bolton, they fail to realize that you can’t have a great heroes or stories without a great villain. Fathers bounce children on their knees to the tale of Rocky besting Clubber Lang. And I’m wrong when I tell you that the Cold War ended when Rocky put Drago on his back? But who lost in Rocky V? It was more than Tommy Gunn, it was the viewing audience.

Game of Thrones has done what aging tattoo artists fall victim to—they ran out of space. The world got too big and way too real. I assume the second-to-last episode is going to be a donnybrook with half-a-dragon, half-a-man and half-of-my-attention. If you told me Mom Hair Cut gives birth to a Sand Dragon and the Sand Dragon battles the remaining dragon and the end result is a dragon alliance where they make a new iron Throne out of the bones out of every living creature in New Britain, I’d say: “Yep. Sounds about right to me.”

Anyway, social media is really hard on Mondays. Doris Day died today, #45 is pushing the country closer to a Constitutional crisis, North Korea is asserting itself, Flint Michigan still doesn’t have clean water, there’s homeless everywhere in Salt Lake City, the Jazz got bounced early from the playoffs, we’re starting a trade war with China and some people think global warming isn’t real. But I’m out of touch because I don’t know the name of the Dwarf.

Ben Raskin is a bartender and writer for the Pill Mill. Follow him on Twitter @BennyRaskin. Peter Dinklage was masterful in The Station Agent.

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