There’ only one thing for certain after today’s election.
We’re going to be okay.
The world is not going to end on Wednesday even if my hangover has something different to say. There won’t be any runs on the banks or long lines outside gas stations. There’ll still be food on the shelves at supermarkets, Turkey at the liquor stores, and with any luck, the Jazz will win on the road against Charlotte.
Like I said, everything is going to be okay.
Even if you voted for Hillary and Donald won or vice-versa, the world is not going to end. This isn’t the Omen III where Damon lobs nuclear weapons moments after taking the oath of office. Nor is it every conservatives’ nightmare that bands of mongrels smelting down our guns and turning them into gay wedding bands. The sun will come out, babies will smile and creepy clowns will be manning their posts a block away from schools.
We’re going to be fine but you’ll want to keep Clinton in your thoughts. Chances are she’ll be a one-term president after defeating Donald. HRC will start her presidency on the one-yard line with a wickedly hostile Congress looking for the sack the minute she gets the ball. It won’t be fair and it won’t be civil, but she bought the ticket, now she has to take the ride. And we’ve been on this ride for a very long time.
We need this election over because we’re exhausted. We just collectively experienced the longest campaign cycle and the day-in, day-out denigration and crippling lack of civility has taken its toll on us. I like a good fisticuffs but the last two years has been a prison stomping. Chipped toothed, bloodied and spit out, damn every politician, pundit and smarty-pants for putting us through this dog and pony show.
Where do these people get off thinking they’re so good and should be running for office 18 months before the general election? I understand vanity is a key job requirement to running for president but has campaign money completely ruined the democratic process? Between Hillary and Donald, they have raised over $2 billion dollars—that’s billion with a capital B—for a cross country job interview. Have we lost our collective minds? Is every future election going to have the GDP of Antiqua and Barbuda behind it? Fat chance of a haberdasher from Missouri ever winning the White House ever again.
It’s boggling to me the gross receipts from Titanic is what it’ll costs to run for president. My heart will go on but I find myself getting more and more cynical every election. They’ll start raising obscene amounts of money for 2020 and I wouldn’t be surprised if there will be folks eyeballing the brass ring milling around Iowa before the end of the year.
And double damn the GOP for nominating a dunderhead. Whether you like Hillary or not, at least she passes the smell test for being president. Even if you think she lied through her teeth about the emails, had a hand in White Water and personally shot Vincent Foster, it’s not hard to imagine her as President of the United States. On paper, she looks like a viable candidate. Donald, on the other hand, looks like a Rorschach test.
How did the Republicans get hoodwinked by this used car salesman? Isn’t there one single normal, middle-aged, not-a-whack-job Christian lawyer who used to be a US Senator with the cajones to run for president? If they still want to be called the Party of Lincoln, they need to at least find one person who isn’t a pumpkin-haired, misogynist, racist pervert to sit at the top of the ticket. I thought Republicans were supposed to be the normal, middle-of-the-road folks. With the clear exception of Lieutenant Governor Spencer Cox, did the GOP factory have a major malfunction but continued to produce carbon copy venomous, spineless, gutless bullies?
If I was a Republican, I’d be furious the best we could produce was a reality TV show host. Pull it together, GOP. The only reason the Cubs’ World Series victory was so sweet is because they beat an extremely worth opponent. You’ll never hoist the trophy until you put some champions on the ballot.
Donald is as confusing as any piece of IKEA furniture I’ve built, speaks like a drunken uncle at Thanksgiving and has such open contempt for anyone in opposition of his dictatorial ways that how could we’ve been shocked about anything he said or did? If you told me he stomped a bag of puppies in front of a Future Farmers of America, I wouldn’t have batted an eye. The most surprising thing he did all campaign was wear a suit and ball cap like he’s audition to play trombone for the Mighty Mighty Bosstones. Everything else about him is predictable because when you’re insane nothing you do is crazy.
2016 will be remembered as the year fear ruled the election. “Make America Great Again” flies directly into the face of what makes us great. This country is awesome but Donald telling us it isn’t scares the bejesus out of us. Saying he’s the only one that can make it “Great Again” debases all us who are trying to do good. I’m no hero but I do take care of my family, pay my taxes, don’t drive like a stoned beagle and try to be cool with my friends and neighbors. Leadership based solely on fearmongering is a load of horse-pucky. Faced with the prospect of demagoguery and hate isn’t what makes America great. It makes us weaker.
Well, I don’t need a reality television putz to tell me America is great. This country is as cool as the other side of the pillow and hotter than a piston. We put a man on the Moon, stopped Hitler, eliminated small pox, brewed Miller Lite, invented baseball, created chili con carne, built the Golden Gate Bridge, birthed Kate Upton, killed Osama bin Laden, developed social security, distilled Maker’s Mark, elected Barack Obama and gave the world Muhammad Ali.
And if that ain’t America, I don’t know what is.
As a nation, we’re tough as nails and fight like honey badgers. Want proof? This is country made Predator. Think about that for one second—we made a movie about an elite military unit who infiltrates a Val Verde death camp, discovers an extraterrestrial hunter, and kicks its ass. Zero apologies. It stars two future governors, a US Congressman, Carl Weathers and the guy who wrote Lethal Weapon. And if we can make Predator, we can certainly survive the next four years.
There’s never been a better time to be alive. If you can look away from your phone for a millisecond, you’d notice that our best days are yet to come. Regardless of who wins this election, it’s not the end of days. It’s just a little darker than we’d like it. I think Clinton will do a fantastic job once she’s elected, but if Donald weasels his way into office—which he won’t—we will survive. If we can handle two years of his cockamamie shenanigans, we can limp into 2020 and vote his ass out of office. Americans are exceptionally resilient and tough enough to grind through anything.
So, make sure you vote. Vote early and vote often. I guarantee you’re going to enjoy the election results. I suggest lots of beer and pizza to help get through the night.
And remember, it’s going to be okay.
Ben Raskin works as a communications writer for The Pill Mill and bartends at Keys On Main Wednesdays and Thursdays. Follow him on Twitter @BennyRaskin. He’s got high hopes this election will be as satisfying as the World Series.