Election Night Notes for Fitz Whaley

Dear Fitz:

Well, it looks like the bastards have taken it to us again. It’s 8:30pm in Salt Lake City but it might as well be 1994 as far as I am concerned. The Democrats have been run out of town on a rail and the Republicans came marching in on a mandate that demands that gays, liberals, women and minorities should be gathered and put into camps.

Dark days are ahead of us and our elected officials ain’t looking for the light.

How in God’s green Earth did your beloved state of Colorado legalize marijuana but elect Cory Gardner? Did you ever think you’d live in a day and age where an adult named Cory would be elected to anything more than dog catcher? Weed good, GOP good, Colorado stoned. And every citizen that voted for Cory deserves what they get. A professional politician that swapped parties because he saw an edge with the Right. Well, I for one think he is the new face of al Quaeda and your recent move to the Centennial State has put your neck directly under his boot.

For shame, Colorado, for shame.

I am hunkered down at the Casa de Beaver Goat with my women, canned chili and whiskey watching election results. Sports is what we follow when there no elections to report. Our Founding Fathers were wise to schedule elections after the World Series because the nincompoops and perverts that compose the voting American public have screwed us again, Fitz, and I don’t see any light ahead of us.

Obama was our great hope and he will be cut down to nothing. A lame duck president with a GOP controlled Congress is the definition of gridlock and you and me will suffer as we enter our fourth decade. Who would have thought that the Democrats could be so limp and incompetent to allow hatemongers, racists and bigots to run this country? Instead of hitting the bullies straight in the nose, Fitz, we were represented by cowards and apologists that didn’t call the Republicans what they are—MONSTERS.

As CNN tries to cover this election under a big tent giving every sector of the party a voice, I am pouring another stiff drink and nailing two-by-fours through every portal in the house. The dogs have been fed and warned that if they leave the house, they are most likely to be eaten before dawn by the roving hordes of Republicans bastards who beat puppies and queers for sport. Erin begs me to put the computer away and start packing the truck with supplies to drive into the mountains to hid for the next 26-months but I tell her to hold fast.

We’ll get through this, somehow, and we will survive.

We’ll survive because the monsters that sing the praises of the Party of Lincoln can’t maintain their hate longer than we decent, god fearing Sons of Clinton can retain our virtue. As I see Mark Warner hold on to a narrow 2K vote lead over Ed Gillespie in Virginia, I could care less as I see a moderate Democrat named Doug Owens hold on to a marginal lead over Mia Love for District 4 here in the Beehive State. Love is positioned to be the first black, woman Republican to serve in Congress but I’d rather wait for history this time. She isn’t cut from the bolt of cloth that best serves this state. Fed by a healthy bail of Tea Party green from outside the state, she’s a puppet that can hide her strings from the TV cameras and political wonks.

I suspect the swine will be celebrating in their filth in the morning but we’ll know better. We’ll know that term limits and dastardly behavior will cut their reign short but don’t drop your guard, Fitz. Bullies, monsters and bastards have a motor that nothing short of a bullet or Congressional investigation can stop.

Keep you powder dry, Whaley.

Ben