A Man Walks Into A Bar…

A man spent the better part of the night at the bar drinking beer and whiskey with his friends. He ordered wings, watched sports, talked trash and got drunk. By all accounts, he had a really fun evening. His friends left early leaving him to polish off a couple more shots and the better part of a pitcher of beer. When it was time to go home he tried to lift himself up and head to the car but he fell over and crashed to the floor.

Jesus! I might be drunker than I thought.

He picked himself up off the floor and pulled himself up back into his chair. He tried to get up a second time and went crashing back to the floor.

Holy Mackerel! I probably shouldn’t be driving tonight.

Realizing that he couldn’t walk too well he decided to army crawl on his elbows and drag himself the two blocks to his house. Arriving at his small home, he gingerly opened the door, crawled to the couch and promptly passed out.

When he wakes up in the morning his bloodshot eyes finds his wife standing over him. Through his pounding headache, he tried to regain his composure as his wife gives him the business.

“What the Hell did you do last night?!? Why are you such a God damn wreck?!?”

He tells her it was nothing. He went out with some friends, had some drinks and decided to sleep on the couch when he got home so not to wake her up.

“Bullshit!” she cries. “I just got a phone call from the bar this morning wondering why you left your wheelchair at the club.”

It’s been a slow week for me. Between fixing the drywall in the basement and getting the house back into a semblance of order, I haven’t had much time to do anything else. I wanted to write a blog on Monday but I was too busy doing home improvement projects. Also, I found myself up in Davis County on Monday covering Woods Cross hosting Bountiful in baseball. It was a really good game to watch with the exception of sitting in the bleachers with a gaggle of teenage girls who blabbered the entire time which of the players they wanted to marry.

It must be weird to grow up LDS and have to talk about guys you like in terms of marriage instead of casual grope sessions in the back of his parent’s car. To say it was distracting would be an understatement but I am really fortunate to learn how to be a better writer at the foot of the prep sports reporters at the Salt Lake Tribune. If learning to carve better sentences means having to overhear a bunch of high school girls ramble on about impending weddings then so be it. I’ll chalk it up to an occupational hazard.

If you want to find out you won the game click on this link.

The only other thing that happened this week was that I got to record a SLC PubCast with my buddy, Johnny Wormdahl. He did a really good job. We talked about home improvement, getting electrocuted, why Lowe’s sucks and who is doing some good cuisine in the SLC Valley. I definitely enjoyed spending some time with one of my oldest pals in Utah and John brought the funny. Check it out at SLC PubCast.

If you like what you hear, subscribe on iTunes. If you hate what you hear then just rate and comment on iTunes. Either way just listen and become a friend of the podcast. If you ever wondered how nasally I am then this is your chance to get my voice in your ear buds.

I’ll be getting back into the swing of things and start putting out more blogs starting next week. I have been lazy and lost a little bit of momentum with all of the crap that needs to be done around the house. If blogging paid 1/8th as well as bartending I probably would be putting out five columns a week.

Anyway, enjoy your weekend. New blog and SLC PubCast will be up next week.

Ben Raskin bartends at Keys On Main Wednesday through Saturday. Follow him on Twitter @BennyRaskin. Check out the podcast, SLC PubCast, on iTunes. He feels really bad about leading this column with a really bad joke. He probably should have used the 12-inch pianist joke instead.

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