Groundhog’s Day 2012

I know this is a controversial pick but my favorite movie about groundhogs is Groundhog’s Day.

It stars Andie MacDowell and Bill Murray and a rodent of some sort named Chris Elliot. It’s about a weatherman who relives the same day over and over again in Punxsutawney while covering whether or not the groundhog sees his shadow. As you can imagine, it leads itself to a lot of crazy adventures. The craziest of all is why Bill Murray’s character wants to sleep with Andie MacDowell. I think she is horrible. Sure she was good in Hudson Hawk and Muppets in Space but I think she lacks the gravitas to play a TV producer. Moreover, I was surprised she held out against Phil Connors sexual advances throughout the movie. Was there a bigger babe in 1993 than Bill Murray?

[Waiting… didn’t think so.]

I know what it is like to relive every single day, over and over again—I worked at ARUP. Working at ARUP was like being Andie MacDowell’s hair wrangler: messy, curly and filled with intrigue. Did I say she was horrible? I Think Four Weddings and a Funeral should be outlawed by some sort of a Geneva Convention of sorts. I thought that I read on IMDB.com that MacDowell for shooting Groundhog’s Day insisted on starting every day with a breakfast of fresh squeezed orange juice, dry whole wheat toast, two eggs poached and three broiled groundhogs. Like a cannibal, she openly believed she took the seized the power of the groundhog by eating its flesh.

Seriously, Andie MacDowell needs to stop working.

I think my biggest problem with MacDowell is that I can’t pronounce her name with any food in my mouth and I love talking about bad actors after biting into a hoagie. Moreover, I don’t know what she is. They say she’s from South Carolina but if you told me she was from Wales or Mumbai I wouldn’t argue with you. It was rumored by me that she broke up Al Gore’s marriage, falsified testimony to Congress and shot a zebra at the San Diego Zoo. On the upside, I heard from a very good friend, George Clooney, that MacDowell can palm a basketball and routinely participates in illegal pick-up games in East LA for money. Clooney said she is dangerous from outside the arc and can drive the lane.

But seriously, if somebody told you that MacDowell poisoned the water supply in a major city a la some Batman master criminal would you believe it? What if that same person told you that she peed in the water supply? Standing up? You’d have to believe that lie that I made up. What does it say about me if I completely slander a marginal actor for a cheap joke? Well, I’ll tell you: I’d be doing my job.

All right, if you were able to wade through that mound of bullshit, I’ll come clean. I made all of that up against Andie MacDowell except for the part about the zebra and seeing Muppets in Space.

I like Groundhog’s Day because I liked to think what I would do if I had to relive the same day over and over again with no repercussions for my actions. For starters, I would stop dieting and gorge myself on anything with country gravy. I would start drinking before 3pm and I would pick up a cigarette and cocaine habit immediately. I would stop shaving, showering and any other form of the bare minimum amount of personal grooming that I do for my fellow citizens. I would wear a “No Fat Chicks” T-shirt unironically and spend a lot of time loudly talking about what I would do if Andie MacDowell was my girlfriend.

It would be a license to be the most obnoxious person on the planet. I’d spend a lot of time spitting and lighting cigars with $100 bills. I’d shoot out the television like Elvis and play a lot of Van Halen at top volume. I’d start fist fights with cops, drive drunk and grab my crotch a lot.

In thinking about it, having a Groundhog’s Day day sounds a lot like being a on a cruise ship. I’ve never been on a cruise but I hear it’s a lot of eating crappy foods, drinking too much and pinching Andie MacDowell tooshie.

Well thank God I don’t have to relive the same day over and over again.

If I did have to relive the same day repeatedly, I would probably pick one of the days I spent with Erin up in Seattle. If that one wasn’t available, I think I would take the time I spent with my sister in Tempe watching Pearl Jam, Nirvana and the Red Hot Chili Peppers play when we were in high school. If that day was scratched, I would pick any of the days I spent with my two brothers, Mike and Pat, in San Diego. If I couldn’t choice that day, I would definitely pick the one where I was at the Nakatomi Plaza on Christmas Eve and I saved my wife’s co-workers from some German terrorist trying to steal a bunch of barrier bonds and met my new best friend, Sgt. Al Powell.

Days I wouldn’t want to relive would be when I broke my leg in Arizona, my second trip to NYC, any day in the 4^th grade and when I saw Four Weddings and a Funeral. I think I would cross off any day that I had to have dental work, pick up dog poop or enter a courtroom. And any day that I stubbed my toe, got a sliver or had to eat oatmeal.

If I could create the perfect day to relive over and over again, I would start with Erin and I in an ocean side city during the late summer. I’d be wearing a linen suit and she’d wear a light blue sun dress. We’d have a convertible car driving along the ocean listening to Pearl Jam. We’d stop at a seaside restaurant for a light lunch where during the meal I preform the Heimlich maneuver on a Tom Hanks. After making sure Forrest Gump is okay, I go back to a crab salad, rib eye steak and something AL gratin washed down by a bunch of IPAs. Erin ordered whatever she wanted. I don’t care how much it cost because Tom Hanks was picking up the tab.

We’d drive to the airport where a private plane would take us to an island where dogs could talk and I could body surf in the ocean. That night we would host a beachside luau with all of our friends and family including Sgt. Al Powell who I would good naturally kid about not having any Twinkies.

I believe that day would get an Ice Cube seal of approval.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, the groundhog saw his shadow. Six more weeks of winter. Nuts. I hate being cold and I don’t like taking meteorological advice from varmints. How is it in one part of the country groundhogs are revered and in the rest of the nation they are considered pests? I am not sure but I think they sell deep-fried groundhogs at the Minnesota State Fair. Hell, they sell everything deep-fried at the fair.

It doesn’t think it matters much. We had a really mild winter so far and if some rat on the other side of the country wants to control the weather in the Wasatch Front, so be it. I’d rather have Punxsutawney Phil pick the weather or any other policy than Mitt Romney.

Ben Raskin bartends at Keys On Main Wednesday through Saturday. Follow him on Twitter @BennyRaskin. For the record, he really like Andie MacDowell…a lot.