1. Deliever a baby. I would like to midwife your kid. Can you imagine anything better than me screaming for clean towels and hot water as I pull a child out of your body? Me neither.
2. Win a dance contest. With my natural moves, I am surprised I don’t have a mantel filled with dancing trophies.
3. Introduce a line of cologne. With my natural pheromones, all we would have to do is ring out my shirt after bartending in the summer.
4. Provide the voice to a cartoon character. I have the face for radio but the voice for an afternoon WB show. There are a ton of nasally characters that need to borrow my voice.
5. Ring the closing bell on Wall Street. I am good at hammering things in public.
6. Win a blue ribbon at a county fair. Have you seen my hops garden lately? Maybe the judges at Salt Lake County would like to see them.
7. Get 10,000 Twitter followers. What can I say? I love Twitter.
8. Bring in a herd of cattle. City Slickers was more than a movie. It was a road map in how I should be living my life.
9. Celebrate the shocker. Get a picture of me throwing the “shocker” in front of every state capital in the US of A.
10. Get 900 East renamed Raskin’s Way. Think about it…you’re not initially against this.
11. Be awarded the key to a city. Preferably Salt Lake City but I will take Taylorsville.
12. Be burnt in effigy. I’d like to think I made an impression upon my distractors.
13. Dispatch three attackers. After Paul Walker did it in Fast and Furious 6, I’d like to take on some punks.
14. Assist the Sheriff in making an arrest. I’d like to be asked to bring a fugitive to justice.
15. Indian Wrestle a Head of State. Foot on foot wrestling is how the Romans did it.
16. Throw a lit road flare on the pitch at an English Premier soccer game. How else can I support Crystal Palace FC?
17. Release a manifesto. Unabomber style.